I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
You dropped a bomb. I am stunned, shocked, flabbergasted. I am gutted and crushed. My love for you has never wavered. I won't give up on us.
Dressed in white, you saw me and invited me in. Our first of new encounters. So sweet and wet.
I came home already in pain. To an empty bed. Fuck you.
Looking forward. I will get back up again.
When I think about you...
Full day and whiplash of emotions. You stayed stoic. As if you didn't see me. How do I show you how much you mean to me? We are worth it!
I am so scared that I have already lost you. You don't really react to any of my efforts and dismiss conversations. We have to talk if we hare going to make it through this. Positive communication will go a long way towards increasing connection.
You cried today for the first time in 10 days. I was happy to see you feel things. I believe in us. I am not giving up
I refuse to believe this is over. I will continue to fight for us. I do recognize I am coming across as desperate. It is because I am. I am going to initiate every uncomfortable conversation. I will be awkward. I'll do whatever it takes.
Gah! I find you so irresistible!!
I look for a kiss as you walk out the door. You say, "we can't keep doing this." But, why?
"Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight"
How do you turn it off so quickly? We spent three hours together and now you act like it never happened.
I am trying really hard to set boundaries for myself and not send you any messages while you are at work. But, this is really hard because I think about you constantly.
I don't understand how you have no affect.
I asked if we could connect later tonight. I was thinking yoga. You didn't seem thrilled.
Fuck you.
Tonight was crushing. We cuddled during a movie and then you announce you are going to your office. Why do you hate being around me so much?
I'll trade you orgasms for cuddles.
We had a lovely night. We watched TV and had sex. In our bed. And you stayed the night! You wouldn't let me cuddle you overnight, but it felt so good having you next to me! This morning, however, at 6 am you got up and told me not follow. I kinda feel like a cheap whore now. You go from being loving to brutal like the flip of a light switch.
You were too sick to cuddle or even talk to me this morning (said you had to go upstairs if I was getting up). But, you aren't too sick to go run errands for 2 hours. You're an ass.
I am trying so hard to give you space. This doesn't come naturally for me. Today, I scheduled a text message to be delivered at 5pm. It was cute pictures you took of me 8 years ago. 30 min later you commented on the dinner smell in your truck with the vomit emoji. I know it wasn't related, but you never acknowledged that you saw the pictures I sent so it was hard not feel it was a response.
Oh, I've had my period for a few days so we haven't played. This is the only way you will connect with me so this sucks.
YIPPEEEEE!!!!
After weeks of shamelessly begging for a chance, you agreed to try! I totally lost it and cried in your chest. I am beyond grateful. First step is to get us into therapy so we can fight about a couple things. I feel like if our sex life stays strong going forward, we don't need to discuss the past too much. But, for other topics, we need many conversations. I know we can sync back up! It may not be easy, but I am here and ready!!
Oh, I haven't mentioned the sex So much of it: I feel like we are 30 again! Getting that giddy flirty feeling is awesome.
You spent the night last night and were crabby all day. So, back upstairs you run.
At around 10:45pm, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was yearning for your arms around me. So, I snuck into your bed. The sleep was beautiful and I woke up feeling complete. You woke up cranky. I know I crossed the boundaries I said I would avoid. But, I am struggling really badly with space between us.
You have been in bed all morning. I went to check on you. As I left, I said 'I love you'. You didn't say it back. I ruined everything by sneaking upstairs to sleep next to you last night. How could I have been so selfish?!
I just learned that today was your first day sober in a while. Yippee! It isn't all my fault you were cranky today! I want to snuggle again tonight.
Welp, I might need to give up. Your mother threatened to sue me and told me that you had given me an ultimatum (which I am unaware of) or you were talking full custody. No matter how sincere I am, I keep getting pushed around.
I am tired. I am tired being the only one that cares. It feels like I not only am I trying to convince you that we are worth it, I have to convince your addiction, your depression and now your mother.
I was cold and distant and visibly sad for about a day and half. You noticed and asked why. I think you understood.
Makeup sex-capades. And then overnight cuddles!
I made a Trello board to manage our efforts. I know I am a dork. I hope you appreciate it. Or at least, find it amusing.
Today, I researched personality styles. I wonder how much those influence relationship dynamics.
It is 8:30pm. I lay alone in our bed reading a book about saving relationships and you are upstairs watching porn. Hrmf. Without context, one would say that I should put down the book and join you. But what they don't know is that I am still sore from the sexcapades yesterday. And sex seems to be the only thing we are connecting on. I know there is more depth to us. I hope.
Well, that 3am snuggle didn't go as planned.
I woke up crying from a nightmare. You said you were going to start taking showers somewhere else. All day long I couldn't shake the feeling that it was real and not a bad dream. Sorry I acted mad at you.
Ten days.
Evie arrived in the mail yesterday. O.M.G.
We've run out of steam. A plateau, perhaps. The thrill of Evie (and Nora) have worn off. You don't even want to have sex with me anymore. And, you quit smoking. Which is good (don't get me wrong), but you are as cantankerous as can be ;I'm walking on eggshells. And to throw salt in the wound, my sister bought the same Christmas gift your parents wanted to get. I swear this is just bad luck, but you and your family think I am kiniving and evil.
Covid canceled Christmas.
I have nearly given up. Give me one reason.
You're wearing your ring again. You kiss me when I walk the door. I love this, but I don't understand what changed. Is this a ploy? Are you manipulating me?
More of the same roller coaster. I wish we could just communicate again.
My version of "giving space" hasn't been well-received. I am sorry I come across at bitchy when I am leaving you alone. Next up, I am going back to finding connection. I think that was working until the Christmas debacle. I hope it can work again.
You made threats at me yesterday. You chose to not let our little one sleep with us if it meant you had to spend the evening on the couch with me. I am still so baffled how we got here.
It seems as though with each passing week, you get farther from me. I cry myself to sleep every night. How can this be? Last night, I asked you what the first mistake I made was. You said I slept away 13 years of marriage. Clearly that is not the case since I had a job, home responsibilities, and fun activities to do. What is interesting is that you also tell me you never get alone time. So, which is it? I wasn't around enough or too much? And, why did it take you 13 years to tell me how much it bothers you that I am not a morning person?
I asked you what makes you want to sleep in your office (instead of our bed) and you said if you had a hard day [at work] or I pissed you off. But, it seems as though any time I speak, I annoy you. And, if I ignore you, it also upsets you. I don't think I can win at this game.
I took off my rings today. I barely can see to type this. My heart is broken.
I put my rings back on. I do have hope. I need to have hope! Even if you said there is a zero percent chance this will work out. I have seen you contradict that. I am choosing to hang on to that 5%.
You bought cameras for your office saying you need to protect yourself. In the same breath you asked me to take down the kitchen one (that you bought me for Christmas)!
And the roller coaster continues.... We just booked a family trip to see the eclipse and camping this summer.
We book a vacation last night and today you file for divorce. WTF.
It came in the mail today. I haven't opened it yet. Happy Spring!
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on
A new beginnin'
A reason for livin'
A deeper meaning, yeah
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky
I'll make a wish, send it to heaven and make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection
Of the highest powers
In lonely hours
The tears devour you
An' I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
Oh, can you see it, baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
It's standin' right before you
All that you need will surely come
Ooh, yeah
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath truly, madly, deeply do
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I want to live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23
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